In the Wind Read online

  "I don't know how to turn it off," I admit, still wanting to bash in Stanley's face.

  "That's the tricky part. You've been bottling up all that rage since you were a kid. Now you know how to unleash it. Calming yourself will be the last obstacle."

  "How do you calm yourself?"

  "I think of shooting zombies. Cuddling my pets helps too, but I don't bring them with me everywhere. So yeah, mainly it's the zombies thing."

  "I don't care about zombies."

  "Think happy thoughts. Think of hugging your mommy. I wasn't kidding about fucking Sawyer too. If that makes you happy, think about that. Just find a way to turn off the dark shit, so you can function."

  Closing my eyes, I imagine Sawyer and me back in Ellsberg. We're down behind her house, swimming in the river. Her hair gets crazy on humid summer days. I can see her wild curls and feel the heat on my skin. Everything is real enough to touch.

  I open my eyes and focus on Bodie. "Let me ask you something. If you knew Stanley was such a nasty fucker who would hurt Sawyer, why would you let them date?"

  "You're not really that stupid, are you?"

  "Maybe."

  "He's a pussycat. A wuss really. Probably talks about his feelings, cuddles after sex, and sleeps in the wet spot. Real lame shit. I just told you the rough sex thing to get you riled up. Feel free to imagine just about anyone fucking her. I suspect it'll work every time."

  "I still think he's an asshole."

  "As a club guy, he could make your life very complicated. As a boyfriend, he'd likely make Sawyer tear her stupid poodle hair out."

  Raging inside, I need to stop thinking about Stanley. Sawyer is waiting for me to let her loose. Imagining how pissed she likely is at me, I only get more agitated.

  Sitting next to me, Bodie's clearly thinking of something else. Hell, she might as well leave. As if reading my mind, she stands up and walks out of the room.

  Stuck alone in the quiet room, I wish I was back in Ellsberg where I know my place. My mind returns to the last holiday Sawyer and I spent together. Our two families enjoyed dinner at each other's houses. I felt I belonged more that December than I did my entire life. Somehow, I let so much of the happiness slip through my fingers.

  Needing to calm down, I don't let myself think about what I've lost. My thoughts remain on that Christmas Eve with Sawyer when I held her in front of the fire. She had spent most of the day tormenting Bailey. Once snuggled against me, she grinned at her sister and nephews nearby.

  Sawyer looked at me that night as if I was magic. I never felt so powerful, and the memory washes away my rage at Stanley. Standing up, all I want is for Sawyer to look at me like that again.

  Chapter 29

  Sawyer

  Don't Tell Me What To Do

  Watching TV proves to be a big damn waste of time. Nothing interests me, and any half-decent looking guy makes me think of Jace naked. Thinking of him naked reminds me of how I panicked and why I'm handcuffed to the bed. I end up as pissed as when I turned on the TV.

  Needing to see Pop, I look through the pictures on my phone. One particular shot is of the entire family. I get sad thinking of Cooper sending Jace to Texas. Did he think we'd get back together? Did he not care one way or another?

  Dialing my brother, Cooper answers on the second ring. "Tell me you're coming home," he says instead of hello.

  "Jace has me handcuffed to a fucking bedpost, Coop the Poop."

  "Good. I hope next he handcuffs you to his Harley and forces you home."

  "Why are you being such an asshole?"

  "I need you back home."

  "Why?"

  Cooper sighs. "I miss you."

  "Bullshit."

  "We had our Sunday lunch with everyone at the house. Farah made her chicken enchiladas. Now bad enough Pop and Mom are gone, but having you gone too is crap. I need you here, Sawyer."

  "You really miss me?" I ask, losing the anger in my voice. "That's sweet."

  "Tucker is acting weird. Bailey cried yesterday because there were no more chicken wings. Everyone's on edge. We're family, and we should stick together. With you and Mom are out of town, Pop's absence feels more obvious."

  Tears sting my eyes. "I miss you too, but I can't go back. It suffocates me there."

  Cooper says nothing for a long time, but the silence is comfortable. My brother and I are similar in so many ways. How many times did we sit in silence just like now? I miss that comfort, yet Ellsberg sets off the panic inside me.

  "How are Farah and the kids?"

  "Good. Miranda got a spelling award at school."

  "Tell her congrats from me."

  "I will," he says and sighs again. "Tucker is talking about getting a head tattoo. Do you really want to miss that train wreck?"

  Smiling, I hear the humor in his question. I can even see him smiling.

  "I'll visit when Mom gets back from the cruise."

  "Good."

  "Don't even think about forcing me to stay during my visit."

  "Never crossed my mind," he says, and I know he's smiling again.

  "Sure."

  "Why are you handcuffed exactly?"

  "Jace's lost his mind."

  "You have a way of doing that to people."

  "Shut up, Poop," I mutter. "Do you think Jace is a good man?"

  "Yeah."

  "Do you think he's a strong man?"

  "No," he says too quickly.

  "Why?"

  Cooper sighs. "This is just you and me talking. No sharing with Mister Handcuffs, okay?"

  "Okay."

  "If he wasn't Tad's son, he wouldn't be in the club. He holds himself too tight. Does what needs to be done and follows orders, but he's like a ghost. I barely know when he's in the room half the time. He could be a badass. He's been trained by Judd and Vaughn. Hell, a retired assassin even trained him. Yet he's the least scary guy in the club."

  "He's not the same guy I dated."

  "Bullshit. He's exactly the same, and that's the problem. He's the same as he was as a kid. Closed off and only showing what he thinks people want to see. I know I can trust him because I know him, but I don't feel like I can trust him, if that makes sense."

  Irrational or not, hearing Cooper crap on Jace pisses me off.

  "If he's not good enough for the club, I'll just have him live here in Last Dollar. The McLaughlins like him."

  "No, they don't. They don't like anyone."

  "You say that like you know them."

  Cooper sighs dramatically, and I picture him cracking his knuckles. "I'm getting pushback about Jace being in town. Some guy is coming to meet with your boyfriend. You might want to tell him to watch his back. If someone starts shit, I'm not sure what I can do from Kentucky."

  "Jackass."

  "Hey, I told you to stay in our territory where I could protect you. Did you listen? Of fucking course not. Now, Jace has a target on his back."

  "I'll protect him."

  "Who's going to protect you?"

  "The McLaughlins. They like me more than anyone ever."

  Cooper laughs, and I join him. I have no idea how the McLaughlins feel about me. They're friendly, but they're pretty friendly with everyone. I happen to know a few people they're friendly with who they'd love to kill. Doesn't really make me feel safe being in their care.

  Hearing approaching voices, I tell Cooper goodbye and hang up. My emotions are all over the place. I'm ready to beat the shit out of Jace. I'm also thinking about hugging him for being a messed up kid who thinks he's a well-adjusted man. I'm mostly thinking about him naked and pumping his cock inside me.

  Colbie opens the door and throws a bouquet of flowers at me.

  "Stanley came. He held his ground. He got scared. He left. Here's your consolation prize."

  "I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, but get me out of these cuffs."

  Colbie plops down on the bed next to me. "Bodie is going bossy bitch on Jace, so your boy is busy. I don't know where he keeps the k
eys."

  "Bullshit. You're you. No way do you not have a way to get me loose."

  "Sure, but Jace is having an ah-ha moment. If I free you from your sex game, you might find him and force him to think with his dick rather than the chunk of gray matter between his pretty ears."

  "I hate you and your babble."

  "Do you need a hug?" she says, climbing on top of me. "I'll smother you with the love you're missing."

  I don't want to laugh, but she's such a pain in the ass. In fact, she's like Bailey with ten extra brain cells and several more mental problems.

  "Be gentle with him. He's figuring shit out," she says, bouncing on me.

  "I don't care."

  "Yes, you do. You love him. It's sweet. I'm gonna love someone like that one day. Hopefully, I won't be as stupid about it as you two, but just as sweet."

  Colbie removes a key from her bra. Smiling, she leans over and unlocks the cuff.

  "Get dressed and we'll watch a movie," she says, pulling me off the bed. "No fighting with Jace."

  Shoving her out of the room, I lock the door and look for my clothes. I hear her talking to her dog while I dress. She's still talking when I walk past her and downstairs. No longer with Jace, Bodie is playing with her cat on the floor. I glance around, but don't see him.

  "He's thinking," Bodie explains. "This could take awhile."

  "Funny," Jace says, appearing from a dark hall. "What's the plan for the evening?"

  I balk at how he doesn't mention the handcuffs, Stanley, or anything that might mean I get to scream at him.

  "Sunday is the only day of the week we don't nap," Colbie explains. "After the game, we watch a classic movie before going out for a nice dinner."

  Bodie crawls with her cat to the couch. "Today's classic is Kingpin."

  Colbie joins her sister on the couch. She rests her head at one end, Bodie at the other. I glance at Jace who's watching me. To my surprise, he reaches out and caresses my cheek. I smack his hand away, but he doesn't even flinch.

  Walking to a giant recliner, Jace sits and stares at the TV. I watch him and wait for some acknowledgement to me staring. When he doesn't react, I have a choice to make.

  Jace is fucked up. These days, I'm feeling pretty fucked up too. I don't know what we'll do next, but his lap looks too tempting not to sit in.

  Sliding across his legs, I get comfy like I used to when we were in love and life was easy. Jace wraps me in his arms without saying anything. He barely even looks at me. Everything just feels right, so my anger at the handcuffs bullshit will have to wait.

  Chapter 30

  Jace

  Heart Shaped World

  I barely watch the movie. My mind races with thoughts of how quickly Stanley got his stubborn ass out of the house once Bodie stirred up such hate in me. Was I that intimidating? Could I control the darkness I usually kept hidden? I'd always felt the club guys, especially Cooper, didn't respect me. I was their kid brother, never an equal.

  I want certain things, yet feel lost most days. So I smile and do what I'm told. I only take what's offered, never demanding more. When the pressure grows too strong, I back away from what frightens me. Just as I did as a kid.

  My heart has wanted Sawyer since as long as I can remember. I want Sawyer. My dick remains rock hard with Sawyer wiggling around on it whenever she laughs. Finding the movie hilarious, she never gives me a break, and I think I might come in my pants by the time the credits roll.

  Fucking isn't what I want most of all. I hate sleeping alone, but only Sawyer feels right in my bed. I crave someone to share everything with, even the dark, nasty things or my stupid fears. Except Sawyer is no different from the rest of the people in my life. They want me to be happy, so I pretend to be happy. I've lied for too long to admit otherwise now.

  Studying me, Sawyer leans her head against my shoulder when the movie ends. Her gaze is unreadable, but I refuse to look away. We watch each other for a long time while my fingers play with the curls in her soft hair.

  "No," she says suddenly and rolls off my lap before walking out of the room.

  Saying nothing, I watch her go. The twins watch her too. They remain silent, but likely talk in their heads. Sighing, I feel bone tired.

  "Lying will take a lot out of a man," Colbie says, standing up. "For women, it comes more naturally."

  I watch her leave the room with her dog Dwight. Bodie remains on the couch, and I suspect she misses her nap. Finally, she stands.

  "Al's Steakhouse is fucking brilliant. You'll feel better once you get protein in your system."

  "I want Sawyer back."

  "I know."

  "She thinks I'm different. The problem is I'm not," I say, following Bodie.

  "No more talking. Sawyer said you had therapy for years. You've talked enough. Get cleaned up for dinner. Eat meat. Later, things will be clearer."

  I grew up surrounded by powerful men, yet the women in my family always felt more comfortable to be around. Maybe this is why Bodie is more like a mentor than Saint or any other badass I've trained with over the years. At this point, if she says jump, I'll jump. Since she says I need a big steak, I'm not going to complain.

  Sawyer is downstairs when I return. She glares at me as if I'm her mortal enemy. I hold her gaze, unafraid of her hate. We've been in this pattern for months, but we hid from our feelings better. I hurt her. She pretended I didn't. We lied for our family and friends. We lied to save face. Mostly, we lied because lying was less painful than the truth. I'm sick of the bullshit though.

  Sawyer glares and glares and glares some more. Yet she chooses to sit in the backseat of the SUV with me when we leave. While she never speaks to me, she also takes the seat next to mine at the restaurant. I know this dance. Sawyer feelings are hurt. Anger suits her better than sorrow, so she runs hot and cold until she settles on what temperature fits her best.

  We eat side-by-side without speaking. The McLaughlins and their staff laugh and talk over each other. This feast is a weekly tradition, and our presence doesn't dampen the mood.

  Bodie is right about the food, and I order as big a steak as I can consume. Sawyer decides to imitate me and order a huge piece of meat she can't possibly finish. Colbie asks if her dog can have the leftovers, leading Sawyer to smile for the first time all dinner.

  She doesn't smile again until saying goodnight to the McLaughlins. I follow her up to her room without thinking. I'm on autopilot again, confused about what I need to do to shake this feeling.

  Sawyer stops at her door and turns to me. We stare at each other again. I feel like an eternity has passed since I was inside her only hours ago. Before her panic and my jealousy, we reached for the easy pleasure we once shared. Now all I feel is the distance.

  "I loved you more than I'd loved anyone ever," she whispers, holding onto the doorknob. "Even so, no amount of time changes what you did to my heart."

  Sawyer disappears into the room, leaving me to take her words as fact. She can't forgive how I broke her heart. We're over.

  I sit in my room for a long time and think about her words. They make sense. Why mess with wounds already scarred over?

  Except her words are lies.

  I know the sound of perfect words fitting the right situation. I say them all the time. I'm angry when others want me to be angry. I'm quiet when people need me to shut up. I'm the happiest guy in the fucking world when the world demands it.

  Sawyer is afraid. Fear isn't something she's accustomed to feeling. Much like sorrow, she struggles to remain strong. So she lies. I fucked her over once, and she fears I'll do it again. So she lies. Life is complicated in Ellsberg. So she lies.

  Even tired after a confusing day, I smile at Sawyer's lies. If her heart didn't still belong to me, she wouldn't need to play these games. I know because I've been lying about her for months.

  I'm too restless to sleep, but too tired to return downstairs to talk with the others. I decide to take a shower. Now wearing boxers, I relax on the bed and flip t
hrough the channels. From my spot, I can see the mirror and consider cutting my hair. Would Sawyer be happier if I looked like the old Jace? Or was a haircut another superficial fix to our complicated problems?

  I flip channels until hearing a knock on the door. I don't put on pants or a shirt. If the twins are bothering me, they'll likely compliment my abs. I'm sure they'll also explain how they can't fuck me since they're allergic to citrus or have a deep-seated fear of male nipples. I'll laugh, and they'll go away.

  If Sawyer's at the door, I want her to see what she's missing.

  Standing on the other side of the door, she looks depressed. I don't know what to expect when she pushes past me into the room. Shutting the door, I take in the sight of her wearing a pale yellow nightgown.

  "I'm a moth, and you're the flame," she says, placing her hands on my chest. "Let's not make it more complicated than that."

  I open my mouth to respond, but she covers it with her hand. "No talking or thinking. If you care at all about me, just let me have this."

  I lift her up onto my hips and stare into her tired blue eyes. A moment passes where I think to stop this moment. Tonight is another lie, but Sawyer's dying to tell it, and I'm not strong enough to tell her no.

  Made to fit together, our lips suck and nip at each other. My arms wrap her tightly against me while her hips search for my cock. I hold her still just long enough to pull her nightgown over her head. Sawyer whimpers when our lips part for even those few seconds.

  All she says when I rest her back on the bed is to turn off the TV and lights. Once the lights are off, Sawyer pushes down my boxers. Her hand on my cock sends a shiver through me. Even in the dark, our bodies move easily. I know her in a way I don't even know myself.

  Kissing the freckles on her shoulders, I can see them in my mind. I nuzzle her long, delicate neck next, eliciting a relieved sigh. My cock grows thick, but we don't rush. I tease her small, hard nipples before nibbling at her bellybutton. When I try to kiss lower, Sawyer squirms and pulls me up.