In the Wind Page 15

  "Or what if I get in touch with the crap inside me and turn into a rage monster?" I ask once we're in a hallway. "What if I become a fucking loser? What if I can't control what comes out of me?"

  "Are you asking if I'll leave you?"

  "No, I'm asking if you'd still love me."

  Sawyer sighs painfully. "The day you dumped me was the worst day of my life until Pop died. I hated you so much that I wanted to hurt you. Even under all that bad stuff, I loved you and hoped you'd come back. I didn't want anyone else because I wanted you. Loving you isn't a choice. I just do, and I feel like I always have."

  I cup her soft face. "I don't want last night to be goodbye. If you need weeks or months or even years to get past what happened, I'll wait, but I'm not pretending with you anymore. I love you, and you belong to me. Not Stanley or any other random guy. You're mine. If you see the real me and decide to walk away, I'll still love you, and you'll still be mine. There'll probably be some stalking involved, but hopefully we won't reach that point."

  Sawyer grins. "I'm still angry at you. I can't help it. Anger helped me get out of bed after you left."

  "Be angry, but let's not pretend we aren't together. Or that anyone else will do. Let's stop lying and see if we crash and burn."

  "You're thinking very positive, aren't you?" she says, poking my chest.

  I take her hand and hold it." Being with you is worth the pain of maybe crashing and burning. I hope you're ready for the possibility too. I'm going to force shit out of me. I don't know what'll happen, but I liked the power I felt when I scared away Stanley yesterday. I liked knowing a powerful man looked into my eyes and felt fear. I want to feel like that again. I need to know I can protect what's mine. I know I can physically hurt people, but I've always envied how Cooper or Vaughn could scare people from across a room."

  "I might be a spoiled brat," she says, frowning at the idea of her not being perfect. "I'm tough though. Losing Pop made me feel weak. I admit I still feel weak. Being with you last night made me feel fucked up too. Happy and sad, mad and forgiving. I don't know how long it'll take for me to adjust to a world where my pop isn't a call away. Even with all that shit, I'll handle whatever you throw at me. Just don't pull the running away act again."

  "I ran away and ended up running in circles. Running was fucking stupid."

  Sawyer grins. "Yeah, it wasn't one of your smarter moves."

  "I panicked."

  "I've panicked a lot lately too. I hate that feeling."

  Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, I lean Sawyer against me. "You lost a great man."

  The corners of Sawyer's mouth turn down. "You're right that I was spoiled by my easy life. You leaving knocked me down. Pop dying made me not want to get back up. I guess I have shitty coping skills."

  "It's not a competition," I whisper, kissing her right temple. "I know everything in your family is turned into who did it best and who sucks. You need to stop thinking like that. I need to stop thinking about how people see me and figure out who I am. Faking it isn't working. We should focus on being happy. Not better or tougher than everyone else. Just happy."

  "And real."

  Smiling, I kiss her forehead before my lips lower to hers. Sawyer twists around to wrap me in her arms.

  "Get a room," Colbie says, strutting out of the gym. "Put on romantic music too. I suggest Charley Pride. Ooh, yeah."

  Remaining silent, Bodie walks past us. Sawyer and I watch the twins hurry up the stairs. Once they're gone, I study Sawyer's beautiful face.

  "Last night was great, but I need more," I admit, taking her hand.

  "Do I have a choice in the matter?"

  "Sure," I mutter, lifting her over my shoulder and heading for the stairs. "I'll carry you to bed, just in case you plan to say yes."

  Laughing, Sawyer wraps her arms around my waist. I worry someone or something will interrupt our reunion, but we arrive at the bedroom unscathed. Tossing Sawyer on the bed, I plan to taste every freckle, no matter how hidden it might be.

  Chapter 33

  Sawyer

  Golden Ring

  Jace and I fuck for an hour or maybe two. I can't even remember when we arrived at the bedroom. All I know is Jace and I had a breakthrough in our relationship. Frenzied and insatiable, we celebrate after nine months of bullshit and even longer with our lies.

  The truth is liberating, and the sex joyful. I understand him better than ever, making him sexier. Our bodies remain locked together until a knock on the door interrupts us.

  We ignore the knock initially, but I soon notice a note shoved under the door. A spent Jace crawls out of bed and checks it.

  "Here's lunch to help you keep up your strength during the marathon crotch reunion."

  "They're sweet," I laugh, looking over the food. "Lots of protein and carbs to keep up our energy levels."

  Jace opens the cans of soda while I set out the food. We eat in bed, feeding each other. Quickly, this plan becomes a mess.

  Laughing, we end up in the shower. After washing the ranch dip from our laps, we connect our crotches again.

  "I feel too empty without you inside me," I whisper against his ear.

  Jace kisses me deeply, ending my giggles. I hold onto his wet body and ride Jace until he can barely stand.

  We end up back in bed, and I feel Jace thinking. Resting against the headboard, he looks like a big sexy kid working on a math problem. I nuzzle my lips against his shoulder.

  "What are you thinking about?"

  "I don't think you really want the answer."

  Even nervous, I whisper, "No more lies or hiding."

  "I listened to my family die," he says, pausing to see how I react. When I only cuddle closer, he continues, "I heard my mother taking her last breaths as some fuck choked her. I saw another fucker stand over my baby brother and hold a pillow on his face. After I got away, I wanted to forget those sounds. I wanted to forget the blood splatter into my room when they shot my grandma in the hallway. I needed to forget, but I also had to forget them. I couldn't think of them the way they were alive without thinking about them when they were dying. I just had to forget everything."

  "What about therapy?"

  "We talked about dealing with my weird habits. How I wanted to hide in the house or didn't like talking to people. I said I couldn't remember what happened that night, and she never pushed me. After the first year, we never brought it up at all."

  "I don't know if remembering would help. The only bad stuff that happened to me was losing you and Pop. I liked thinking about you both."

  "Even me?"

  "There were times when I thought about hurting you. Other times, I pretended we were still together."

  "Lies comfort, but I can't think of my old family and lie. They are dead. I don't remember much else about them."

  Hurt by his tone, I want to squirm away. Jace looks at me and waits for me to bail. I force myself to remain plastered against his naked body.

  "Can we hunt down the club who killed your family and get you revenge?" I ask, staring at his cock to make him feel uncomfortable.

  "Give it five minutes," he says, grinning at me.

  "I don't like being talked down to."

  "No, really? Is this a new side of you I'm seeing?" he teases, smacking my ass lightly.

  "What about my revenge idea?"

  "I don't think any of those guys are alive anymore. I asked Tad about them years ago when I was paranoid they'd find me. He said they weren't the kind of crew to last long. Apparently, they were too violent and stupid to control more than a single small town. When I joined the Reapers, I asked Cooper if I had to worry about the club that killed my dad. He said no. Not like we'd handle them if they caused trouble. More like they were just gone."

  "You don't know for sure. We could still hunt them down."

  "Killing some old fuckers won't fix me."

  "You won't know that until you've killed the old fuckers."

  Jace rolls his eyes and shifts lower on th
e bed. "I don't want to talk about killing them. They're not the problem. I am. They could die a million times, but I won't magically get stronger."

  "I know, but revenge feels good."

  Jace says nothing while I rest my head on his belly and stare into his conflicted eyes.

  "My real mom had dark hair. Maybe even black hair. I remember that. Also, how she was wearing a ponytail the night she died," he says, playing with my curls. "I can't remember her eyes though."

  "Don't you have any pictures?"

  "The club burned the house after they killed everyone. Tad told me years ago that they looked for anyone in my family before legally adopting me. The courts made sure no one blood related wanted me. They couldn't find anyone. My mom and grandma were here illegally from Mexico and their IDs were fake. My dad was a criminal, so he was using a fake ID too. No one knows who they were before moving to the new town to hide from the club. No one back in the town the club ran knew anything either. Or they wouldn't admit to knowing. The whole thing is a dead end."

  "I'm sorry."

  "Me too. I wish I knew what my little brother's name was. I can't remember that for some reason. He was really young, like maybe a few weeks old. All my memories of him are people saying "the baby" or "your brother." Feels stupid that I can't remember his name."

  I study his face, knowing he's pushed himself too hard for one day. Jace wants to hide from the world. He wants to hide from me too, but I won't let him.

  "Do you want to hear something else I know about you?" I ask, caressing his nipple.

  Smiling now, Jace nods. "Sure."

  "Apple cinnamon air freshener makes you horny."

  "What?" he laughs.

  "You never noticed that?"

  "No. Sounds like bullshit."

  I sit up in front of him and cross my legs. His gaze focuses on the spot between my legs.

  "Up here, buddy," I say. "So I figured out you were turned on by that smell when I noticed you'd be super horny after we visited Farah and Cooper's house. I thought at first you were hot for Farah, but you never got turned on when you saw her at the bowling alley or anywhere else. It was always after going to their house."

  Jace studies me, still thinking I'm full of shit.

  "I couldn't figure it out, so I stayed at her house one afternoon and searched for what might be triggering your horniness. I realized she's obsessed with the apple cinnamon scent. It comes out of the damn vents. So I bought one of those air fresheners and sprayed it in the garage apartment before you came over. Normally, you'd make small talk or want to eat before going to the bedroom. That day, we never reached the bed. You were all over me immediately. So, yeah, you are most definitely turned on by that scent."

  "Well, I'll be damned if that isn't the weirdest shit."

  Smiling, I take his hand and set it on my knee. "Anytime I was in the mood, I'd get out the spray. It was like a starting pistol."

  Jace's dark eyes take in the sight of my tits and the pussy fucked not so long ago. When he focuses on my face, his smile grows.

  "Baby, those tricks weren't necessary. All you had to do was ask."

  Laughing, I wiggle away from his curious fingers. "I'll keep that in mind." I crawl to the other end of the bed and stare at him for a minute. "I want a baby."

  "You're in college."

  "I know. I'm usually with myself when I do stuff."

  "Funny, but you always wanted to wait until after college."

  "I want one now. A boy I'll name Kirk. I know it's stupid and a bad reason for a baby, but I do what I want."

  Jace studies me. "If it's meant to happen, it'll happen."

  "Does that mean you're okay with me getting pregnant, even though we officially got back together an hour ago?"

  "We were always together."

  "Okay, so you cheated on me, huh?"

  "Good point. We just got back together an hour ago," he says as I crawl back to his side of the bed.

  "I don't want to suffocate you, but I want a baby."

  "Since when?"

  "Since Scarlet was born."

  Jace rolls his eyes. "What's meant to happen will happen. We'll leave it to God, okay?"

  "You say that because you don't think it'll happen, but I come from a long line of fertile turtles. I'm surprised your spunk didn't impregnate me while I was on birth control, and we were using a condom."

  "Ah, the condom incident. I still don't know where that thing went?"

  Laughing, I pat his face. "Oh, I found the poor broken thing an hour after you left the apartment. I just didn't tell you because..." I laugh harder at his expression. "I liked you worrying about it going missing inside me. It's sexy when you get protective."

  "That bugged me for years, Sawyer," he grumbles.

  "For years!" I cry, falling backwards on the bed. "Like it wouldn't have fallen out of me by now."

  "How would I know? I couldn't figure out where the hell it went," he says, resting on his side next to me while I laugh. "It was our first time. I'm lucky I didn't break my damn dick."

  Rolling around laughing, I remember how clumsy he was the first few times. I wasn't much better in my lame attempts to be sexy.

  "Remember how I pushed my boobs out to make them seem bigger?"

  Jace laughs. "You looked like a contortionist."

  I roll on my side to face him. "You worried for years," I whisper, still laughing. "You're an idiot."

  "And the guy you want a kid with."

  "Are you scared?"

  "Fuck yeah. I could become a monster if I let out the ugly shit inside me."

  "No, you won't. It doesn't work like that. People who are monsters don't control it for so long. I'm more worried you'll cry all the time."

  "Probably. Can you imagine dealing with me and a baby crying? Is this the future you want?"

  "You're more than the tears, and the baby will be too. I wanted a baby when I was a teenager. Crazy shit, I know, but I wanted it. Everyone was having babies, and Mom had Cooper when she was a teenager. I tried to be rational and wait, but fuck it. I waited, and now Pop will never see his best grandkid."

  Jace smiles. "You know our kid would totally be the best."

  "Epic. He'll give the others self-esteem issues."

  "What if it's a girl?"

  "Won't be. I've always known I would have a boy first."

  Staring at me with tired eyes, Jace lets his fingers caress my hip.

  "I know you're from fertile stock, but what about me? My crotch could have psychological damage from all the threats you've made over the years."

  "Hey, I threatened your dick, never your balls. The baby making stuff was never in any danger."

  "I guess," he says, rolling on his back.

  Climbing over him, I kiss his chest and belly. "We could test it again, just to be sure."

  "Yeah, we could."

  "Do I need to spray apple cinnamon to get you ready?" I tease, even while stroking his already hard cock.

  "No, baby, I think I'll be fine."

  Straddling Jace, I lean forward to kiss his waiting lips. He holds me tightly, stroking my back and ass. Nothing about him is anxious. Even after looking at his ugly past, he doesn't hide or fake anything. Jace is right here with me - heart, mind, and soul.

  Chapter 34

  Jace

  Chug-a-Lug

  Am I a different man now? Does facing my demons make me reborn? Or am I lying to myself as usual?

  Who the fuck cares? I decide I am who I am and analyzing myself isn't much better than hiding from myself. I need to feel more, think less. Seems like bad advice, but being outside my head feels good. So, yeah, I'm a new man.

  Walking into the Hidey-hole, I sense the change in others to my newfound freedom from over-thinking. They move out of my way faster, avoid eye contact more, and seem overall less enthusiastic to be around me. Hell, if I knew I could keep people at a distance just by being me, I'd have embraced my inner asshole years ago.

  Sawyer walks with me, but her
head is somewhere else. I'm guessing Ellsberg. Stubborn to a fault, she refuses to admit she's homesick. A part of her really does think starting over in Last Dollar is her future. A bigger part knows everyone she loves besides me is back in her hometown. For her to accept what her heart wants, she'll need an out.

  I'll be the one to give it to her, but not today. She isn't ready to admit her mistakes. Not when she's embracing our new reality. Sawyer needs the world to work by very specific rules. Rule number one is she might not always be right, but she's never wrong.

  Her hair having blown loose during the ride, Sawyer struggles to corral all her curls back into the ponytail. Catching me watching her, she smiles.

  I don't return her smile, yet Sawyer knows I want her. Empowered by this knowledge, she returns to fixing her hair. I'm glad her eyes are off me. Nine months without her touch has made me crazy with need.

  Of course, horny isn't the right mood when I'm about to meet with a killer. I need to dig deep into myself to find the ugliness that makes me scary. Lawman is a threat, so I'll have to wait to nuzzle my lips in Sawyer's wild hair.

  My expectations for Lawman are all wrong. I imagine a huge guy like Saint or a cold bastard like Judd. At the very least, he should own the room like Cooper. Instead, I'm presented with a cowboy standing at the doorway.

  Packing a gun at his hip and a rifle on his back, Lawman is plenty big enough. He even has Cooper's blond hair and dark eyes. I think his smile throws me off. No badass should smile so easily.

  Removing his wide beige cowboy hat, he places it gently on a chair before taking a seat across from me.

  "Do I call you Lawman, or do you have a real name?" I ask.

  Lawman shows no fear at my growl, yet flinches the minute Colbie howls his name. He sighs, clearly resigned to her annoying habit.

  "Lawman is fine," he says, taking the shot of scotch the perky blonde waitress brings him. "This is more a formality than a genuine meeting. The McLaughlins explained very clearly why you're here."

  "So why have this chat?"

  As I make idle conversation, I force myself to imagine this man putting a gun to Sawyer's head. I immediately hate Lawman, just enough for him to feel the change in me. I sense a shift in him too. We're no longer two men shooting the shit. We're killers holding our ground.