Snake Charmer (Rawkfist MC Book 2) Page 19

  “Let’s go outside for a minute, Otto.”

  “No.”

  “I want to talk to you man to man. Do you think you can handle that?”

  Otto considers my challenge. In the kitchen, Journey and the women now watch me warily. They say nothing when the boy and I walk outside.

  “I think it’s time you and I aired out some things,” I say once on the porch.

  Crossing his little arms in the same way Journey does when pissed, he mutters, “I don’t want to talk to you.”

  “I don’t care. We need to get this square since Journey loves us both.”

  “I don’t think she loves you.”

  “Well, you’re wrong. So let’s compare sob stories. You have a shitty mom. I had one too. You have a no-show dad. Me too. In a contest so far, we’re even, but my sob story is about to kick yours, little man. I hear you have a grandma who loves you something fierce. Is that true?”

  Otto wants to say no, but he can’t talk shit about his grandma. He finally nods.

  “Well, my grandma didn’t want me around. I mean she was friendly to my face. She’s the kind of person who smiles at you when you’re in the room and then talks bad about you when you’re not.”

  Otto glances around, and I catch a bit of recognition in his eyes.

  “You also have a brother and sister. I never had any. I’d be in my house alone with my shitty mom. There was never anyone to play with. I never had any pets either. You have Hal and those cats. That’s pretty lucky in my book.”

  Otto looks back at the house where Hal and Kitty watch us from the window. He smiles at the dogs and then returns his gaze to me.

  “Now here’s the kicker. You have Journey and her family. They’re good people, and they care about you. We know they don’t have to. Your mom wasn’t nice to Justice, but they don’t hold that against you. They know you’re a kid, and it’s not your fault your mom is a bitch.”

  I pause long enough for Otto to say something in defense of his mother, but he remains silent.

  “You’ve got your own room here, and they help you with your homework and take you places. They play with you too. I’d have killed to have people care about me like that when I was growing up.”

  Otto’s blues eyes register a bit of understanding at what I’m saying.

  “So you have all these people loving you, but I just have Journey. Now I know you don’t want me coming around. I know you don’t like when Journey spends time with me and not with you, but you can’t be selfish like that. You have a lot of good stuff in your life, and it’s not fair for you to hog it. Your mom is selfish, but Journey gives up stuff for other people. So do you want to be like your mom or like Journey?”

  “My mom isn’t evil.”

  “I never said she was. My mom wasn’t evil either, but she wasn’t a good mom. She forgot about me a lot. She yelled at me when she was in a bad mood or fighting with other people. She didn’t remember to tell me she loved me. My mom loved herself more than she loved me. Your mom’s the same way. She loves you, but it’s not a good love like Journey’s. You might be a kid, but you know how it feels when someone cares and when they don’t.”

  Otto shrugs, but he knows exactly what I’m saying. He loves his mom. I loved mine too. I wanted to be close to her, but she just never had that same craving with me. I doubt Otto got much attention from Becca. His grandma raised him first, and now Journey and her family are doing the job. Becca was good at making kids. Once they were born, her mothering skills became a whole other story.

  “Do we understand each other?” I ask.

  “We share,” he says, frowning. “You can’t take her.”

  “Journey needs you, kid. She talks about you when we’re together. She’s always thinking about you. I love her too much to take away someone she needs.”

  Still uneasy, Otto shuffles from one foot to another. “You can’t hog her either. My mom might come back, and I won’t be able to live here.”

  “If your mom tries to take you away, I bet you’ll have some say in what happens. Journey won’t step aside or let your mom hurt you or make you suffer. I won’t either. I know how to get people in trouble and go away. I can do that with your mom if she tries to hurt you. I think maybe the three of us can protect each other. Journey doesn’t need so much protecting, but you and I are different. We grew up in not such great families. We understand each other, don’t we, Otto?”

  Tears threaten his blue eyes. He looks up at me and nods. “We can share.”

  “Good. Journey needs us both, and we want her to be happy.”

  Nodding again, he wipes his eyes. “I wasn’t crying.”

  “Crying ain’t a problem, kid. Only thing that matters is what happens after you’re done crying.”

  Otto nods, wiping his eyes angrily. He might not be Journey’s kid, but I see a lot of him in her. They share a stubborn streak. I also notice how they both reveal a hint of a smile when they’re struggling against the urge to cry.

  When the object of our discord steps onto the porch, we possessively stare at her. I don’t know what Journey sees on our faces, but her worried expression fades before she rolls her eyes.

  “Men,” she mutters and walks inside to get her bags.

  I smile at Otto. The kid isn’t sure how to process how he feels. At eight, I didn’t know how to do much more than to dodge trouble. No longer a kid, I can’t avoid what I fear any longer. Not if I plan to keep Journey.

  44 Snake Charmers

  Journey

  The resort is in the middle of nowhere. At least, it feels as if we’ve been driving in the woods for an eternity. Donovan doesn’t say much. He follows the GPS instructions and listens to whatever music I choose on the radio. We’re both too silent as if worried anything we say will make things worse.

  Fear isn’t something I’m comfortable with, and today is no exception. I hate hiding from my feelings. From his feelings. From the future I’m afraid won’t turn out how I dream.

  So I say what I’m thinking and brace myself for the consequences of asking the question.

  “Is this trip a test? Like if we fail, do we give up?”

  Donovan gives me a quick side glance. “I don’t know about you, but I can’t give up. For me, it’ll never be over. If you dump me and find another man and have his kids, I’ll still wait for you to find your way back to me. I can’t see any other way for this to end than us together.”

  The certainty of his words reassures me. So does the stubborn clenching of his jaw. Donovan normally runs hot and cold, and I keep waiting for him to cut me loose. Based on his expression, he won’t be the one to walk away.

  “I keep expecting things to get easier. What if they never do?”

  Never taking his gaze off the road, Donovan shrugs. “You’d be smart to stop expecting us to be like Court and Justice. You and I are cranky motherfuckers. I doubt we’d make anything easy even if we tried.”

  Smiling, I lean over and rest my cheek against his arm. “One day, we can send out Christmas cards and sign them ‘love from the cranky motherfuckers.’ I bet your family will approve.”

  “It’ll sure give them something to talk about.”

  “Is that something you ever think about?” I ask, pushing again. “Holidays together. Other family stuff.”

  “I think of it all the time.”

  “What kinds of things do you imagine?”

  “I want two kids. I didn’t like growing up alone. I know any kid of yours won’t be alone with your family, but I’ve always just hated the idea of having a single kid.”

  I think about Otto and whether Donovan considers the boy as one of the two. Refusing to ask, I can’t deal with his answer. I’m strong enough to survive if he rejects me, but I don’t think I can handle him turning on Otto.

  “Do you care if they’re boys or girls?” I ask instead of pushing the Otto issue.

  “No, but it might be fun to have one of each. Of course, I see you and your sisters and think the same
gender could be fun too.”

  “I don’t care either. I’ve wanted a baby since I was nineteen, and a neighbor girl brought her newborn over to show off. I didn’t like her and her baby’s name was stupid like Tyme. When I held that baby, though, my ovaries roared to life. I’ve been craving a baby since then. I think if Christine weren’t dealing with a failing marriage and a wild teenager, I might have gotten knocked up years ago. I’d have grabbed a decent looking guy from a bar or maybe ordered sperm through the mail.”

  Donovan smirks. “The thought of you with your legs in the air and a turkey baster in your hand makes me smile.”

  Sharing his grin, I add, “Justice offered to impregnate me. Claimed if she was holding the turkey baster that she’d be the daddy. No way was I letting her anywhere near my vagina. Besides, between her and me, I’d be a better daddy.”

  “Your family is weird.”

  “Your family is dull,” I say immediately.

  “That they are.”

  “Weird is addictive once you get a taste.”

  “Don’t I know it,” he says, leaning over to give my head a quick kiss. “Well, no turkey basters for you, missy. You’re getting the real deal.”

  “What if I told you I was already pregnant?”

  “I wouldn’t be surprised.”

  “So would you freak out if I told you I was?”

  “A man who doesn’t use a condom can’t really freak out about his girl turning up pregnant.”

  “What would you do?”

  “Marry you and keep you with me forever. Would that be a problem?” he asks, daring me to complain.

  “No, but maybe we shouldn’t get married. I think us having a kid out of wedlock would piss off your family. I’d like to make them squirm. They’re the kind of tightly wound, stuck up sorts that get under my skin in a bad way.”

  “But I’m the kind of tightly wound, stuck up sort that gets under your skin in a good way, right?”

  “You're not stuck up.”

  “Oh, I am. You know I’m judgmental. You’ve heard me talk about my neighbors.”

  “True but I doubt you say anything half as bad as they say about you.”

  Donovan grins. “No doubt they think I’m an asshole.”

  “You are an asshole. That’s why I want you. It’s like looking in a mirror.”

  Laughing, Donovan relaxes next to me. I am so used to him as a ball of tension that I sometimes forget just how tightly wound the guy is under all of his easy smiles. His father’s outlaw blood might run through his veins, but he has the Mooney’s hyper awareness about him too. We are what life and genetics give us.

  While we finish driving to the resort, I allow my mind to imagine what Donovan and my kids might be like. Would they have his easy smile or my snarly smirk? Would they get blue eyes like him or would their eyes change colors like mine? No matter what the kids look like, I suspect they’ll inherit their parents’ grumpy weirdness.

  45 Snake Charmers

  Donovan

  The hotel empties out around one in the afternoon. Most of the guest plan to enjoy a guided tour through the dense West Virginia woods. Journey and I already walked earlier in the morning, and we’re in no mood to do it with a crowd of strangers.

  “I bet they gasp at the sight of squirrels,” Journey says as we enter the hotel’s empty sauna.

  “People act strangely on vacation.”

  Journey flips her hair dramatically. “I don’t. I’m perfectly normal.”

  “You did take a walk this morning.”

  “During Otto’s summer break, we walked every morning.”

  “I didn’t know that,” I say, settling into a spot across from her.

  Journey’s skin quickly shines from the heat. Beads of sweat appear on her forehead. One drop slides down her temple and cheek before dropping between her tits hidden behind a towel.

  “Do you regret taking in Otto?” I ask as the heat instills courage into my normally closed off heart.

  Journey’s relaxed expression twists immediately into a frown. “No.”

  “Do you worry he’ll grow up and be an asshole like his mom?”

  Blinking a few times, Journey considers my question. “Yes. I also worry about him growing up to be an incorrigible shit. Will I have to ditch him with is a grandmother who can’t handle him now? I even find myself wondering if I’ll only manage to keep him in check until he’s old enough to end up in juvenile hall. It breaks my heart to think of Otto turning into Becca with a dick.”

  Journey crosses her arms, comforting herself after admitting ugly truths. I think to soothe her. If I touch her sweaty skin, no doubt passion will distract me from asking and answering tough questions.

  “Do you worry you’ll turn the kid into a model citizen before his shit mom gets out of prison. Then she’ll take him back and fuck up his life?”

  “Why are you asking me this?”

  “I worry about those things. I want to know if I’m just a negative asshole or if you worry too.”

  “It’s always in the back of my mind. I even find myself keeping him at arm’s length because I know I’ll lose him. Isn’t that messed up? I’m punishing a little boy to save myself pain later.”

  “Not messed up. You’re human. I’ve been keeping you at arm’s length for our entire relationship for the same reason. Well, that and I don’t know how to be close without feeling suffocated or like I’m suffocating you.”

  “I never meant to suffocate you.”

  “It’s never you. When we’re together it’s comfortable, but it’s not just you and me. It’s your family. It’s my family. It’s my job and expectations. It’s what you want out of life. I can’t imagine a better woman to have a baby with, but then I think of me being a dad and it feels all wrong.”

  Journey considers my words for a long time, and I wonder if I’ve pissed her off. Finally, she nods.

  “That makes sense. What could you possibly know about being a dad? Growing up, you had caretakers more than parents. They ensured you lived, but that was about it. My mom talked to me about everything. She made me feel safe and important. My dad wasn’t around much, but during our visits, he only saw us. I always felt as if nothing in the world was as important to him as Justice and me. Growing up and feeling that way made me strong, but I still get weak and scared. You didn’t have any of it, so I do understand why you don’t jump at the chance to be a husband and father.”

  Journey shifts on the sauna bench, and I know she wants to join me. She doesn’t, though, because I’m what makes her weak and scared. I’m this superwoman’s kryptonite.

  I do what she can’t and leave my bench. Kneeling before her, I rest my hands flat on her lap. I don’t caress her delicious flesh or kiss her pouty lips.

  “I need you to promise you won’t destroy yourself for me,” I say, holding her gaze. “I want you to stay with me, and I need you to be patient while I get the hang of showing how I feel. But I also want you to promise if it comes down to you being miserable to make me happy, that you’ll ditch me and save yourself. I can’t trust myself to do right by you. I need you to demand it. Can you do that?”

  “Yes,” Journey says, after a long pause. “I know I get sad about us, but I also feel more alive since you asked me out that day. I like seeing this new side to myself even if it’s scary.”

  As much as she wants to put a cheerful spin on the last month, I need Journey to accept that something inside me might never be right. Unlike Otto, I don’t have a decade to grow into the man I want to be.

  “But if I become toxic, can you promise to save yourself? If we have kids by then, can you promise to save them too? I’m afraid you’ll suffer to keep me, but I don’t want to be your destruction. I need you to promise to ditch me if I make your life shit.”

  Struggling against tears, Journey studies my face. “If you became a bad man, you wouldn’t be my Donovan. The man I love is honorable and loving. If you changed into another kind of man, I wouldn’t stay. I don’t
believe you’ll ever become anyone except the good man before me. But if something happens to change you for the worst, I do promise to walk away.”

  “Good,” I murmur, giving into my desire by kissing her covered stomach. The cotton towel taunts me with what hides underneath. I look up to meet Journey’s uncertain gaze.

  “I don’t trust myself,” I whisper. “If I open up and get closer to people, I need to trust that you’ll keep me from doing anything fucking stupid. I mean, what if caring about everyone makes me crazy? Or weak? Or most likely, what if it makes me stupid? I can’t trust myself, but I trust you to hold my leash.”

  Journey’s fingers dance around my hair, afraid to commit to touching me. She’s nervous. I make her feel like she’s alone even when I’m holding onto her.

  “I love you, and we’re staying together. You can’t get rid of me,” I say, pressing my forehead against hers. “I won’t leave, and you’re not strong enough to make me go unless I’ve lost my shit.”

  “I’m pretty strong,” she whispers. “I could probably bench-press you.”

  “Strong but not strong enough to keep me away.”

  Journey’s worried expression fades, and she smiles. “I’ll be a responsible master and never pull your leash too tight.”

  “Liar.”

  “Well, if you're a big chunk of feces, I might tug a little too hard. I’ll be careful most days, though.”

  My lips caress hers. Before I deepen the kiss, I mutter, “I’m an asshole for not doing right by you on day one.”

  “Yeah, but I was a bitch not to make it easier for you.”

  “Wouldn’t have mattered.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “Let’s not argue over who’s the bigger fuck-up here.”

  Sliding her fingers through my hair, Journey grins. “We might not have the sauna to ourselves for much longer.”

  “All right, but I’m only having sex with you to make a baby. We fuck for the future, not to distract from all of these deep feelings.”