Gator Read online

  “I got a shot,” she says, rubbing her butt. “Thank you.”

  This comment makes me hope she understands. No child would be happy to have a shot, but Gidget knows she needs the tetanus shot. I doubt she was vaccinated or ever had a checkup. Her shit father didn’t seem like the wellness visits kind of guy.

  I know Gidget is hungry. Even though her stomach growls, she never asks for food. Is she too dumb to care for herself? Or has she learned to do without because her life isn’t her own? Whatever the reason, she sits next to me in the car with a growling stomach and a silent mouth.

  We stop at a Chili’s because I want steak and ribs. Hell, I want to eat half the menu. It’s funny how often I remind myself of a woman with my moods. When I get tense, I eat like a bear prepping for hibernation. I work out until I can barely move. I finish off my cycle by fucking a woman until she can barely move. My only problem is the woman I want to fuck is the one making me tense.

  Gidget frowns at the menu for a few minutes before I realize she can’t read.

  “I’ll order for you,” I mutter, grumpier now. “Did you go to school?”

  Gidget nods. “In first grade.”

  Somehow, this knowledge relaxes me. She isn’t illiterate because she’s incompetent. Uneducated can be fixed.

  She keeps fiddling with a section of hair I had the nurse bleach. Her dad’s blood is gone, leaving a different shade of blonde from the rest of her hair. Gidget smells it and scowls.

  Suddenly, she looks at me and her gaze is overly focused as if waiting for something. Conversation maybe, but I’m not talking to her. Didn’t want to speak to anyone. I just need to think. The world feels too loud and ugly. Inside my head though, I can decide what I should do with Gidget.

  No matter what logic I attempt, my mind comes to the same conclusion. She’s mine and I’m keeping her. Even if she can’t consent, I won’t give her to someone else. I want her and refuse to deny myself.

  “I kill people,” I say in a quiet voice. “You are my assistant. Do you understand?”

  Gidget nods, but I doubt she truly understands.

  “I had an assistant. His name was Grim. He got into a poker game with some Asian gangsters and I found him a week later in a dumpster. My guess is that he offended them. Grim had a big mouth.”

  “Was he your friend?” she asks, her voice startling me a little.

  “No. He was my assistant,” I lied.

  “I don’t have friends either.”

  Her voice is soft and warm. Comforting in a way I didn’t expect. While she still watches the world like a startled kid, I sense Gidget understands about Grim without me dumbing it down for her.

  “Carz wants you dead. He thinks you saw something, but I don’t care if you did. You’re mine.”

  “Carz bites,” she says, covering her tits protectively.

  “I don’t doubt it. Men with his power don’t care about anyone. Not even themselves sometimes. They just exist to destroy.”

  Showing no reaction to this comment, she watches me. I like her gaze on me too. Makes me feel different than when other people look at me. Even other women. Probably because Gidget is mine like the others aren’t.

  “Do you like the name Gidget?”

  She shrugs then glances at a few loud men entering the restaurant. The few seconds with her gaze away from me feels like an eternity in the cold. I hate the way the darkness returns. I’d never noticed it before, but the darkness clouds my every thought. Gidget is the sun shining on my skin. Much like when I visit Nicaragua. It’s the only time I feel truly free.

  “You ever travel out of the US?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

  “Is Mexico in the US?”

  “No.”

  “I went to Mexico.”

  “Why?”

  The moment I ask, I regret the words. Gidget’s warm gaze fades as she remembers something ugly.

  “Doesn’t matter,” I say, saving her from explaining. “Even if you have a passport, I need to get you a new one with a fake name.”

  Gidget focuses on me again, leaving behind those painful memories. Even knowing she doesn’t understand about the papers necessary for traveling, I’m not in the mood to explain.

  “I plan to retire for a few years,” I say, leaning back and scratching at the scar on my arm.

  Gidget stares at the scar. She continues to stare long after I stop scratching.

  “I visited Nicaragua awhile back. Warm weather. Quiet. The locals like foreigners with money and manners. I plan to move there soon. House is being built near the beach.”

  She finally looks at me and smiles. I don’t know why she smiles, but my breath catches. Had I really lived thirty years without seeing that smile? I can’t understand how anyone can see such a smile and ever cause her any pain. When she smiles, Gidget is a fucking angel.

  “Thank you for not shooting me,” she says, still smiling. “I’ll be a good assistant.”

  I only nod. Her smile unsettles me. Is she really dumb? Or is it a con to enslave men? I trust no one. Not even those I’ve known for years. There is no reason to trust Gidget. Deep in my gut, I do anyway. Logic out the window, I trust her because she’s mine.

  “What’s your name?” she asks after the food arrives.

  “I told you.”

  Gidget looks me in the eyes and I know she’s thinking about lying. Whatever she sees in my expression gives her the strength for the truth.

  “No, you didn’t.”

  “Huh,” I mutter, cutting my steak. “I was busy, I guess.”

  Seeing her struggling with her food, I think to cut it for her. My heart needs her to be an adult though. If she’s a child, I don’t know what to do with her.

  “People call me Gator.”

  All of the joy leaves her face and she lowers her head. I don’t know why she would fear my reputation considering I could have killed her and didn’t.

  “What?” I ask when she just stares at her food.

  “These boys pushed me at the zoo and I almost fell into the alligator tank,” she mumbles then lifts her gaze to mine. “I don’t like alligators.”

  “I’m not an alligator, am I? I’m a man with that name.”

  Gidget looks at me like I’m Death and she’s waiting for me to take her.

  “My mom called me Jake,” I say once her expression makes me uncomfortable.

  A smile wipes away her fear and Gidget cuts at her food again. “I like that name,” she whispers. “Jake.”

  We eat in silence for the next twenty minutes. I like quiet meals. Some people can’t shut the fuck up while sitting down to eat, but Gidget plays along. The only time she shows me any interest is when I have sauce on my lip and she wipes it away with her delicate fingers. Her gaze is so warm and touch so tender that I nearly fuck her right there on the table.

  Even with my cock hard in my jeans, I restrain the urge and return to eating. I also finish her food when she is stuffed. I figure her shit father fed her just enough to keep her alive.

  “You were hungry,” she finally says when I lean back in the booth.

  “When I get tense, I get hungry.”

  “Tense?”

  “I’m on a job and getting too relaxed isn’t smart.”

  “I’m never smart.”

  “Maybe or maybe you never had a reason to be smart.”

  Gidget watches me and says nothing. I like how she doesn’t talk too much. I’m tired and the chatter in the restaurant is pissing me off. Soon, I might smack around one of the loud fucks and get the police involved. Now, that wouldn’t be smart.

  “Let’s go,” I tell her while paying the bill. “They have room service at the hotel, if you get hungry later.”

  Gidget is silent as we leave and during the drive. Once I decided to take the girl, I moved to a nice hotel. I even paid for a suite with a good view. I want Gidget to feel comfortable.

  At the hotel, she takes another shower then returns wearing the flowered nightgown I’d bought her. L
ooking too young to suit my taste, Gidget joins me on the couch in the sitting room.

  I notice the baby doll in her lap and sigh. Angry at myself more than her, I still sound harsh.

  “A little old for dolls, aren’t you?”

  Gidget stares down at the toy and thinks I want her to ditch it. She would give it up to please me. I sense she would do anything to keep me happy. I just wish she wanted to make me happy for a reason besides thinking it was her job.

  “I had a baby in my tummy,” she whispers. “I didn’t tell Daddy.”

  “Call the piece of shit Rodent,” I demand.

  Gidget nods. “I hid my tummy for a long time because I wanted to have my baby. I liked when it kicked me. I was going to name it Adam if it was a boy and Eve if it was a girl. Like from the Bible. I didn’t know any other names from the Bible, but I knew those.”

  Gidget pauses, her fingers caressing the doll’s pouty lips.

  “Rodent found out and he had the doctor kill my baby. They showed it to me and it was a little girl. I cried, so Rodent gave me the doll to love.” Gidget lifts her gaze to mine. “This is a doll, not a baby. My baby is dead, just like Rodent.”

  A tear falls down her cheek and she whispers, “I’m glad you killed Rodent. This is just a doll.”

  Words mean shit most days. They are lies we tell. It’ll be okay. Everything happens for a reason. I understand your pain. All fucking lies. I pander in them too, but not with Gidget. Not over a dead baby.

  “Keep the doll. Look at it and remember how Rodent died with his eyes open. He wet himself too. The fucker died a loser. You look at the doll and remember how you live while the piece of shit rots.”

  The look in her eyes tells me she understands. Gidget might know bringing a baby into her shit life was a mistake. Or maybe she was so desperate for an ounce of love that she didn’t care. Whatever she understood about the past, my words make sense to her now. If living and dying is about winning and losing, she’s beaten Rodent in the only game that really matters.

  4 Spent Shells

  Gidget

  The scars on his face tell a story. I can’t read words in a book, but I understand his scars. He’s a survivor. Stronger than other men. Braver than them too. He fears nothing.

  Sitting in the soft clean bed, I watch Jake sleep. I enjoy the sight of his dark skin. I look too pale next to him. I don’t know what his mom and dad were that make him look the way he does. I only know his skin looks warm and I want to touch it. My fingers caress the sheets the way they want to enjoy him.

  His muscles flex when he stretches in his sleep. I’ve never seen such powerful arms. Not even those rough football players who passed me around. Their bodies weren’t as perfectly hard and lethal as Jake’s.

  Lethal. I know he can kill me without the slightest effort. He killed Rodent so easily. Took a life like he takes a breath. So easy, but I’m not scared. Jake wants me around even if he won’t touch me.

  Twice the night before, his hand reached out as if to touch me. I want to know if his fingers are soft or rough. I don’t care if he hurts me. Jake said I belong to him now. I always belong to someone, but never anyone like Jake.

  He didn’t touch me either time. His fingers curled back into a fist and I thought he might hit me. Jake pulled away his hand and acted as if he never considered touching me at all.

  Jake’s dark hair is long enough to touch his shoulders. With that hair and his strong shoulders, he looks like a warrior. The sheets are pushed back and the sight of him takes my breath away. I’ve never seen anyone so beautiful.

  When the clock reads eight, Jake wakes all at once. Eyes open, he sits up and stares at me. I stare back. I love his eyes. Rich brown like the coffee he let me drink the night before. Except his eyes are sprinkled with gold.

  We stare at each other for a long time and I don’t dare look away. Jake’s face is unreadable now. I’ve seen this look before, but not from any of the men who fucked me. I saw it in the eyes of a lion at the zoo.

  I remember that day more than any other. It was the one time I felt like everyone else. While the other kids had enjoyed the zoo with their families before, the field trip was my only chance. I remember how the animals were scary, yet exciting. My favorite was the lion.

  He stared at us through the gates like a big cat lounging in the sun. The other kids said he was lazy like their cats at home. It was a lie. The lion’s body seemed relaxed as if indifferent to the people pointing at him, but his gaze was scary intense. I knew if he ever got past the gate that he would kill us all. He only had to bide his time. I stared at the lion’s barely contained aggression and knew he was a predator in the truest sense.

  Jake is a predator too. Sitting in bed, he is so still as if not even breathing. As his gaze holds mine, I see the struggle between the man and the beast. The predator and the patient killer. What he might choose to do to me is a mystery and I can’t look away.

  His gaze is hypnotic like the lion’s and I finally reach out to caress his face. I need to know what the stubble on his cheeks feels like. Is his skin hot to the touch? Will I feel his breath on my skin? I need answers.

  Jake snags my hand in an effortless motion. I don’t flinch, too entranced by his steely gaze. He brings my hand to his lips and his hot breath sets my body on fire. Realizing I’m aroused, I’ve never felt anything like it before and I want more.

  In a flash, my hand is on the bed and Jake’s on his feet. He prowls to the bathroom and shuts the door without speaking a word. Just like that, the moment was over and I feel cold without his touch.

  Much like when my mother put me in the closet so she could be alone with her boyfriends, I stare at the closed door and wait to be free again. Jake refuses my touch. Whether I’m dirty or disappoint him, he closes the door on me and I don’t know if he will open it again.

  5 Spent Shells

  Gator

  The heat of the shower eases away none of my tension. I need to fuck hard. My body aches for a release, but nothing I can give myself or gain from anyone else will help. I need to know what Gidget tastes like and how her body fits against mine. I hunger to feel the inside of her, to fill her until I can’t give her more. Unable to find my release, I stand under the hot water and wait for the need to pass.

  The water cools before my hunger does, so I leave the shower angry and restless. I know Gidget won’t tell me no. All I have to do is ask. The answer was in her gaze when I awoke. I know I won’t be denied.

  Opening the door, I find her in the same spot on the bed. She sits with her legs crossed and stares at me. Like my neighbor’s old dog that waited all day by the door for its master to return, Gidget is my pet now.

  No, she has moved. The doll is back in her lap, but the night before she left it on the couch. Now, she’s waiting. The same gaze from before tells me all I need to know. She won’t deny me because she belongs to me now.

  I hate her a little for giving in so quickly. She’s a pet with a new owner. No choice in the matter, Gidget follows one master after another without self-will. I can’t imagine being so weak.

  “Did you enjoy being a whore?” I ask, pulling a black tee over my head.

  The instant the words leave my lips, I feel the shift from her. Even before I have my shirt down and see her expression, I know my words cut her. Gidget stares at the ground, humbled by my ugly view of her.

  “That’s not what I meant by you’re mine,” I say, needing her to forgive my cruelty. “I’m not looking to be your pimp. You understand, don’t you?”

  Her gaze lifts to meet mine and I see the questions in her eyes. If I’m not her pimp, who am I to her? What does assistant really mean?

  I don’t answer the questions in her eyes. Even if I knew what they were, I’m unprepared to admit the power she has over me. A power she doesn’t understand or control. She is my pet, yet also my master.

  “I’m tense and need to take a run. You go ahead and shower while I’m gone. When I get back, we’ll go to breakfast
.”

  Gidget nods, but never stirs. She only watches me with blue eyes like the clear waters of my paradise.

  Working out my frustrations, I run one mile then another and another. By the time I return, I’m soaked with sweat. My mind now races with more worries than when I left. At least, my arousal is no longer driving me insane.

  Waiting for me on the couch is a freshly showered Gidget. In her lap rests the doll. The expression on her face is one of a lost little girl. My woman is a child in the body of a beautiful woman. Dumb is tolerable. Infantile isn’t.

  Yet, she is mine and I refuse to give her up. After my shower, I redress and continue with my plans.

  Years ago when I arrived in New Orleans, I met a man named Devil Doyle. A killer with a taste for the occult, the guy was a freak. He was also sharp in a way most people never managed. Doyle didn’t think about the silly shit in life. He was a man of logic, so he told me first off to get myself to a doctor and dentist. If you’re rotting at the core, he said, no muscles in the world will make you live forever.

  Gidget is a child of neglect and she cries when they do her x-rays. I stay with her at first, just long enough to know what she needs done. Despite her tears, Gidget only has a few cavities. The dentist wants to do part of the mouth that day and have her come back for the rest. I tell him to numb her up and fix them all. Cleaning too because we’re never coming back to the office. If Gidget needs more work later, we’ll find someone in Nicaragua. I don’t tell them this last part, but my mind is on preparing Gidget for a life away from the city.

  While the dentist tends to her neglected teeth, I return to work. Carz’s next target is a crackhead named Tommy Tits. I don’t know why they call him that, but figure he suffers from moobs.

  I find him at a titty bar, looking as thin as a rail. His nickname likely comes from a sick habit. I heard one of Carz’s guys liked to take girls’ nipples. Tommy might be the freak. Didn’t matter if he was or wasn’t. Tommy Tits is a dead man because I have bills to pay.