In the Wind Read online

  "How about I make you eat my gum and see how embarrassed you are? Bet you'd be more irritated than anything, Annie."

  Sawyer hates the Annie digs or any mocking of her curly hair, but she doesn't go nuclear this time. Knowing the siblings enjoy her freak-outs, she keeps her temper in check.

  "Jace's turn," Sawyer says, smiling tightly at me. "Pick something good."

  Thinking about all the stupid moments in my life, I focus on one that makes me want Sawyer in my lap.

  "I was twenty when one night, I was drunk off my ass and got it into my head to get a tattoo of Sawyer's initials on the back of my neck."

  The twins lean over to see the back of my neck. They lean back disappointed.

  "It was late in the evening when I got this idea, and the tattoo artist wasn't around. I thought about waiting, but I was too drunk to be patient. I ended up walking to a hair salon down the street were I paid the girl to buzz Sawyer's initials into the back of my hair. The next day, the club guys tore me a new one with all their teasing. My brilliant solution was to have Sawyer's niece Scarlet color it in with a marker."

  "So you were really fucking stupid not so long ago," Bodie says, crossing her arms. "Good to know."

  Sawyer stares at me until I feel small under her gaze. "I forgot how much I used to mean to you. Live and learn."

  "People make mistakes."

  "Duh," Colbie says, patting my hand. "So did you ever get a tattoo of Sawyer's name?"

  I pull up my tee to show them the tat on my upper arm. Cooper's best friend back in Ellsberg is an amazing tattoo artist named Aaron. The pinup girl on a Harley looks so much like Sawyer that it makes me hard.

  "I'm surprised you didn't get it changed," Sawyer says while the twins examine the tat.

  "Wild child," Colbie says. "Oh, because she's rude and immature."

  Ignoring Colbie, I see only Sawyer. "Why would I change it?"

  "Figured you wouldn't want to offend all those girls you fucked since dumping me."

  "Did you change the one with my name?" I ask, too angry to hide my feelings.

  "Of fucking course. It was on my back shoulder. I didn't want every guy banging me from behind to see your name," she says then sighs when the twins yank her tank aside to examine the tattoo. "I had Aaron make the heart torn apart. Now, a dagger through the heart covers our names. Wanna see?"

  "No."

  "A friend would look."

  Ignoring her challenge, I relax under her gaze. I knew those blue eyes better than my own. They were the eyes that calmed me on bad days. The passion once in them made me feel like a man. They now reveal the shock and pain she felt the day I walked away.

  Finally, I look away. Their attention spans short, the siblings wander off. Yet Sawyer continues to watch me.

  "You should have changed yours," she says, tearing at the beer label.

  "I like that tat. I won't change it."

  Standing, Sawyer moves to a seat closer to me. Her gaze is on the tat peeking from my tee. Pressing up the shirt, she lets her fingers roll over the lines of the pinup girl.

  "I felt like a fucking queen the day you got that tat," she whispers. "I thought it meant you loved me."

  "I did love you."

  "I meant the kind of love that doesn't go out like a candle in the wind. My parents' kind of love. Or my brothers' kind of love. The kind of love I grew up seeing. Not the kind of love we had."

  "I was stupid and overwhelmed."

  Sawyer stares at me, and I refuse to look away. I don't know what I want her to say. Hell, I don't know what I want to say either.

  "Do you miss me?"

  "Every day."

  "Not enough though, right?"

  I say nothing. I don't know why I left her that day. How can I know I won't feel that way again? I want her back, but maybe the better choice is to let things remain broken between us.

  Sawyer takes my silence as agreement. Angry, she stands and storms out of the honky-tonk.

  I wish I knew what to do with all the feelings tearing me up. While I don't have the answers for a lot of the questions rolling around in my head, I'm fucking positive Stanley isn't getting anywhere near my woman.

  Chapter 15

  Sawyer

  Is It Over Yet

  The clock reads two in the morning when I hear the twins running around in the hallway. Ignoring them, I turn onto my side and think about Jace's tattoo. I don't know why I assumed he changed it. I guess in my mind he didn't love me and wouldn't want a reminder of our time together. Aaron is talented enough to change the pinup girl just enough to no longer look like me.

  I find myself remembering our first time together. We snuck into the apartment over the garage at my house. Everyone I'd ever known seemed to have lived there at one point, but eventually it sat empty. I made the apartment my makeshift getaway, playing grownup while never wanting to leave home.

  Jace claimed he slept with two girls before me. I knew he was lying. While he was a good liar most days, this time I knew he was full of shit. Jace likely wanted me to think he was more experienced because he felt lame being a virgin too. Or maybe he wanted me to feel in safe hands with his experience.

  Clumsy and unsure, I never expected our first time to be great. We laughed a lot, and I didn't come. Yet losing my virginity with Jace was perfect. I always believed he was mine, and we would be together forever. Our first time didn't have to be great because we could spend the rest of our lives making it better.

  Even though the sex was great after a few tries, I now realized Jace wasn't mine. We weren't forever. After nine months, I still had trouble accepting this reality. Despite my coldness towards him, I lie awake with secret hopes. Did he keep the tattoo because he still loves me? Was it his idea to bring me home? Does all the kissing mean he wants another chance?

  Falling asleep around four¸ I know full well I'm lying to myself. I don't care though. With Jace, things will never be over.

  Chapter 16

  Jace

  I've Got Mexico

  Sleeping for shit, I can't stop thinking about Sawyer's fingers on my skin. She comes off as so tough that I sometimes forgot about her delicate fingers. Deceptively tender, Sawyer makes me shiver, even when she's not in the room.

  I dream of us in bed. Feverish sex dreams I haven't suffered from in months torment me all night. I wake up, suffer through a cold shower, and return to bed. Two hours later, I do it all again. Finally, I try giving into the need and find only momentary relief.

  The dreams are too vivid, reminding me just how good Sawyer feels. My hand and imagination are pathetic replacements. I want the real thing.

  Stumbling around exhausted, I eat breakfast alone. Sawyer and the siblings decide on Taco Bell while I go to Denny's. I hope for a few hours of quiet but get ratted out by the waitresses. Not long after I arrive, Bodie joins me.

  "You know what your problem is?" she asks rather than saying hello.

  "No, please share."

  "That's it, right there. You're too damn agreeable," she says, grinning at the waitress.

  "Not everyone can be disagreeable like you."

  "No, and I appreciate the agreeable sorts. Like that guy," she says, gesturing across the restaurant. "Or that lady," she says, pointing in a different direction. "See that chick in the green shirt? Well, she's an evil bitch, but her mom is sweet as sugar. Never a negative word."

  "I feel like you have a point, but..." I mutter, waving my hand around.

  "My point is they're naturally agreeable. They like being that way. You're forcing it. Fake people are the worst, Jason."

  I glare at her through exhausted eyes. "You know that's not my name."

  "Yeah, but I know you won't make a big deal out of me getting it wrong. You're too fake agreeable for that."

  Frowning, I rest my arms across the back of the booth. "So I should do what instead?"

  "I saw you at the bar with Mac," she says, grinning slightly. "The way you messed with him for no reason. If you were
a truly agreeable person, you'd have known the fucker was on edge, so you'd play nice and make him feel better. Instead, you needled him. That's when I figured you out."

  "Again, I feel there's a point, but I'm not seeing it."

  "You're not your own man," she says, looking me in the eyes. "You're not comfortable in your own skin. Don't know who you are. I'd diagnose you with a severe case of arrested development, Jake Tobbs. That's why you can't figure out what you want to do with Sawyer."

  Ignoring how she purposely uses the wrong name, I shrug. "I don't want to do anything with Sawyer besides bring her home."

  "Sure, champ. Hey, let me ask you a few questions. Did one of your dad's have a pinup tattoo?"

  Refusing to show her she's right, I'm a fucking statue. She smiles anyway.

  "I'll take that as a yes. You have a big cross tattoo on your chest. Someone you know have one of those too?"

  Bodie smiles when I remain silent.

  "Guys like you wear jeans," she continues. "Dark jeans, black jeans, some of the weirder ones wear white jeans. You only wear the faded blue ones, always a little loose around the waist even though you have a nice ass and should show it off more. So is there a man in your life who only wears faded jeans loose around the waist?"

  When I open my mouth to tell her no, she interrupts me.

  "Sawyer said you used to have shorter hair. You grew it out since dumping her. Does any man in your life have longer hair like that? An enforcer you respect maybe?"

  No way will I tell her about my real dad's pinup tattoo or my adopted dad's cross. I also refuse to share how Tad Todds only wears faded blue jeans loose around the hips. Never will I share how club enforcers Judd and Vaughn wear their hair longer. Even without me admitting the truths behind her questions, Bodie smiles in her snarky way.

  "Everyone copies someone," she says, sipping the coffee the waitress brings her. "You do it because you don't know who you are. I don't know the details of your parents' deaths, but I'm betting you hid afterwards. Kept your head down and behaved in a way expected from you. At some point, you lost your personality and began to adopt traits from others. Your agreeable act is because you don't trust your real responses. You're a faker, Jethro Todds."

  "What does that have to do with Sawyer?"

  "Well, Colbie thinks you two belong together. She believes poems ought to be written about your love. Really obnoxious stuff, but she believes it. Zane thinks you two are over, and no amount of meddling will change things. Me, I'm not so sure because you're not so sure. You don't even know why you dumped Sawyer. How can you be sure why you want her back? If you can't know, I can't know."

  "Sawyer and I don't work."

  "Yeah, maybe you don't, but relationships don't always make sense."

  "You're pissing me off. How's that for agreeable?"

  "Scary stuff, Jebediah Todds," she says, laughing. "Now that I've finished peeing myself in terror, let me ask you a question. When you woke up on the day you dumped Sawyer, did you know things were over? Or did the need to end things happen sudden-like?"

  "Why would I tell you?"

  "Because you didn't sleep well last night, and she's all you can think about. You thought you were okay without her, but now you're suffering from Sawyer fever. You want to know why and I can help. I'm very good at dissecting people. I should work for the CIA, I'm so good."

  Studying her hazel eyes, I see a chance to make things right with Sawyer.

  "It was sudden," I admit.

  "I have two thoughts on why you dumped Sawyer. You realized what you had wasn't real. You were with her because everyone expected you to be with her. They did, didn't they?"

  Even nodding grudgingly, I find myself curious about where she's heading.

  "So maybe you realized things weren't real, and you panicked. Or possibly what you had with Sawyer felt more real than anything else in your life, and that scared you."

  "Even though everyone expected Sawyer and me to hook up, I wanted to be with her. She and I were friends. Real friends not forced family friends. We talked every day. What I felt for her was real."

  "I don't think you're good with real. I get a lot of weird vibes about you. Mostly, I sense you're not your own man. You don't own your size or power. You don't enter a room ready to bust heads, even though I bet you could easily kick Mac's ass. You seem like a nice boy in the body of a big tough guy. I don't think you're a nice boy, Jeffery Todds. I think you're a big faker."

  "So I do what?"

  "Well, we need to figure out why you dumped Sawyer. If what you had with her was real, and there was no pressure from others to leave her, why did you choose that day to walk away? Until you figure that out, you're useless to Sawyer, and I refuse to meddle in your broken love affair."

  "Good. No one needs your meddling."

  Smiling Bodie leans back in the booth. "I know you think I've had an easy life, and that's why I'm so perfect."

  I grin without thinking because her arrogance is funny. Bodie glances around then back at me.

  "JJ McLaughlin is an amazing businessman, and a brilliant strategist when preparing for the zombie apocalypse we all know is bound to happen. As a dad, he sucked. I can't even pretend he tried. No, he was definitely a half ass father. Sometimes, I'd say a mere quarter of an ass was involved."

  Sipping her coffee, Bodie glares at a passing man. When the frightened guy moves faster, she smiles at me.

  "Weak men make me laugh, Jacque Todds. Anyway back to my childhood reminiscing. So my dad didn't raise us as much as pay to have others raise us. Our nannies let us run wild, so we grew up doing whatever we wanted. Good or bad, we made our own decisions. We often crashed and burned. It made us strong, and I'm comfortable in my skin. You aren't, but you have a chance here in Last Dollar."

  "I'm not moving to your town."

  "Don't challenge me, Jolisa Todds."

  "Great. Now I have a girl's name."

  "Shit happens, biker boy. My point before you tried to dick measure me was in Last Dollar no one knows you. No one cares about you either. There are no expectations, and you can grow the fuck up and find your balls. Once you figure out who you are, you'll know if you really want Sawyer. Who knows? You might even return to Ellsberg and pick a hairstyle based on your own taste rather than doing the fangirling crap you are now."

  "You're a fascinating woman," I say to her, and she smiles at my sarcasm.

  "Thank you, Jarvis Todds."

  "At least I'm a guy again."

  "Seeing your balls beginning to descend, I want to encourage you."

  Bodie stands. "We're going to run around town again. As much as I know you love to follow us around, why not skip it for today? After our naps, we're going boating. It'll be a good chance to see how much you want Sawyer."

  "Why then?"

  "Three hot girls in bikinis. If you can see her past all this hotness, you might actually like her."

  "Your confidence is admirable."

  "Because it's real, Jace Todds," she says, giving me a wink. "Your confidence is a con. Work on that or else Stanley or some other guy will sweep in to steal away Sawyer."

  Bodie walks to the front and pays for her coffee. After bullshitting with the waitresses, she leaves me to finish my breakfast. The food is cold, but I force it down because my adopted mom Toni hated when we wasted food.

  Even after Bodie's speech, I still can't shake my frigging need to please people who aren't even in the same state.

  Chapter 17

  Sawyer

  Anchor

  Queen's Fat Bottomed Girls wakes me from my nap. Before deciding whether to get up, I reach for the phone and find my mom's picture smiling back at me. The pang of homesickness is undeniable, but I put on my happy voice when answering.

  "How's the cruise?"

  "Great. I met a few nice people. Also a lot of a stuck up assholes, but you know what I do with them."

  I smile. "I miss you."

  "I miss you too, baby. Cooper told me you're in Te
xas staying with the McLaughlins."

  "Yeah," I say, waiting for the lecture.

  "He also said you plan to stay there, so he sent Jace to bring you back. How you feeling about spending time with the ex?"

  Realizing my mom knows not to give a lecture, I miss her even more. "It's weird. He wants to be friends again. He's also been kissing me."

  "Do you want to be his friend?"

  "Maybe."

  I hear voices from Mom's end before she asks, "Do you want him back?"

  "No."

  "It still counts as lying when you do it on the phone."

  Smiling, I sigh. "I don't know. The kissing feels good, but I still hate him. Besides, does it really matter what I want? It sure didn't when he dumped me, so I don't see why it would it now."

  "Jace is still a young guy, and young men are stupid, Sawyer. When Tucker fell for Maddy, he messed with her birth control pills. When Cooper fell for Farah, he scared her and put Nick in the hospital. Jace is like most young men when they fall in love."

  "Maybe," I say, thinking about my brother-in-law Nick who for some reason married Bailey. I've always suspected when Cooper hit him, Nick suffered a brain injury.

  "Jace is impossible to read. He says he wants to be friends then he kisses me then he acts as if we're just friends and then he acts like he might be into Bodie. She might be into him too. They talked this morning."

  "Have you asked Bodie?"

  "No. I'm afraid she'll say yes, and I'll have a death match with her. I'm not sure I can win that."

  "What can one of those crazy McLaughlins offer Jace that you can't give him two-fold?"

  "He left me though."

  "He's a messed up guy. His parents got massacred. The fuckers even killed their dog. That'll mess up a kid, and his fucked up brain never really got fixed. Therapy might help Farah and Tawny, but Jace seems as fucked up now as when he first came to Ellsberg. He just hides it better."

  "So maybe I shouldn't want someone so fucked up."

  "Maybe you shouldn't, but the heart doesn't take orders."

  When I say nothing, Mom continues, "If your pop had dumped me, I wouldn't have moved on either. He was mine, and no other man would do. Holding onto what I loved wouldn't make me weak. It'd make me strong enough to be alone rather than with a man who gives me less than I need."